Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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