i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
