He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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