We're like a lot better than the average bears
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
