Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
