Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Randomize
