o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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