We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
