She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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