I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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