well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
