I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
