My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
