my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
