I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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