I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
FUCK WHALES
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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