There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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