and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
