burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
