4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
