sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
