Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
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drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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