Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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