i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
