Define "chronic" masturbator.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
