I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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