You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
