paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
