I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
