put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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