ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you