i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
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Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
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Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?