Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just found a bag of teeth...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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