3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
