someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
