Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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