I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
