I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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