mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So vagazzling was a success
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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