Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
