Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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