My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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