he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
