There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
