His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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