It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
