hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We need to feng shui this bitch.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
