and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
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the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
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In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize