I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Randomize
