That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
