My hand turned me down
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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