Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
