At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
