I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
