Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
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we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
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We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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