Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
