i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
