I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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